Detached Heart, natural fact.

• Fact are facts and feeling are arbitrary. I have had a rough week, who am I kidding I have had a rough 59 month, however, that is neither here nor there. The facts of my existence is a tale that I have frequently hid, denied, and suppressed for decades. Upon completing my graduate degree in psychology, I had learned to dig deeper an deeper into my psyche and slowly uncover my truths. Although I managed to learn about my truth without a degree, the actual act of learning taught me far more than I was prepared for. 59 month ago my father nearly died an my parents both in ill heath moved into my home. Out history is not that of rainbows and kittens, but the person that I am knew I had to do the right thing. With great sacrifice I have cared for the very people that created  the toxic environment that I was force to sink or swim in. There is a continual perfect storm of resentment, duty, empath, compassions, pain, love & ANGER, that festers just under the surface on a daily basis. However, I share this not because it is the story I need to tell, it is the background of my latest lesson I learned about me today!   I have old blogs, that explain my incredibly fucked up childhood, and to be honest I am unable to log back in to my old account, so instead of getting frustrated I started anew, and I will drag my baggage this way soon. 

I would like to apologize now as my stressful life has prevented me from writing for years, I used to be a decent writer, and I hope I am not too rusty...

     At birth we either attach with our mother or we do not attach, the reasons vary and the results do too. I was born into a scandalous affair, leaving my mother to choose between 3 boys and the wrong husband (not my story to tell) or a man that adored her and her bastard daughter. She chose the later,  I have no doubt with pure intent. There was too much baggage to allow her to attach with me, and as a strong willed Leo, I was going to be just fine, or so I thought.  Only 2 years later my mother gave birth to  another daughter that she was able to successfully attach with, and then another. It was not only painful to be the only non attached child in the household, this toxic household was filled with the very bullies that would torment me for decades on a daily basis. As a naturally defiant Leo, I battle their hatred and negativity with kindness and positivity. 

    What did I learn about me this week?  I learned that I am, maybe broken, flawed, difficult, weird, normal, & I guess I just don’t know....  I have befriended a relative online and for years we have slowly become very close. She opened my eyes to an alternate vantage point to many aspects of my life.  With her encouragement  I learned that my cousins that were older saw the treatment that I received, they have shared with me their opinion of who I was and what I deserved. I spent a lifetime believing that I was small, I deserved he poor treatment, the explosive home life, and constant bullying. 

    I am extra, no lie I know who I am. I realized today that my broken detached heart feels too much, it hurts too much and it crushes my soul. I have spent a lifetime trying to attach my heart, an when I couldn’t  attach I desperately tried to fill it. I filled my heart with love, kindness, forgiveness, empathy, compassion, love, laughter, food,  time, etc....   The thing is when you try to fill a detached heart with so much it only takes one sentence, one event to topple all of the precariously perched feelings all over the ground.  Misspoken words, misunderstanding, exclusionary actions leave my detached heart shattered in about. Million pieces.   Pain turns to anger and anger to rage....   Rage turns to abandonment, and abandonment turns to my default.  Don’t Count On Me... a short an unassuming sentence, likely meant without malice, simply brought me back to the little girl, in a Toxic house of rejection and dysfunction. I twirl into an dark an twisty ball of feelings, unreasonable and defensive. I had hoped for an amazing visit, and circumstance thwart my hopes and dreams. My default is a detached heart, that continually gives, in hopes of getting something in return. 

What I also learned about myself this dramatic and tearful week is,  I  one million percent was able to have successful attachments with my two amazing kids. And for so some insane reason  I was lucky enough to find a man that loves me even when I am at my most unlovable! I guess some may call my truth unfortunate...    But I am going to count my Loving husband that CHOOSES me daily and my amazing kids as a win!  I have a small Circle of ride or die Friend/Family that I can always count on.  

Today I know I am lucky to have a small circle I can count on, I am far too sensitive when it is important to me... and I have no idea if an when I am going to handle life better.....  pressing on....

Cheers to my thriving detached heart for trying...